onsdag 16 juli 2014

Skinless (formerly known as The Ballad of Skinless Pete) (2013)

Dustin Mills latest is a microbudget little nugget of slimy joy, basically The Fly versus The Incredible Melting man. It tells the story of Dr Peter Peele who is trying to find a cure for cancer by using the enzyme from a parasite. As funding falls through he decides to test it on his own inoperable skincancer which at first seems to work very well. But, since this is a horrormovie, all goes straight to the lesser known circle of hell: the circle of blood and slime!

Mills is getting better and better with the art of telling a story for every movie he makes. I've been following his career from the start, ever since Puppet monster massacre (although it wasn't actually the first one I saw, though I did buy it on its release) and you can somehow watch him putting the pieces of his storycrafting together one piece at a time. With Skinless (I did like the The Ballad of Skinless Pete title better but I suppose it's easier to sell it without a title that sounds slightly phallic) he has made an oldfashioned monstermovie his own way, pouring on buckets of slime and blood, sprinkling it with nuggets of nudity and arrived at a nice little movie. Slightly hampered by its miniscule budget, yes, but nowhere near enough to lessen your enjoyment. Brandon Salkil, Mills own Bruce Campbell, does his usual schtick, chewing the scenery with gusto and Erin P Ryan does a good job with her role as his colleague who ends up a victim of his experimentations. More importantly, they hold up well enough to sustain a narrative that is essentially a two person show, something that could have killed this movie outright in the hands of the wrong person(s). The script isn't actually reinventing the wheel but the pace is good and the story is intriguing. Good, slimy fun for the whole family.

So, in short, if you like watching people melt you should get this. You can buy it from here.

tisdag 15 juli 2014

Bach Ke Zara (2008)

Ever thought that Evil dead was a fun movie but felt that it would have been better if it was acted out by a group of possibly mildly retarded Indian people (the dialogue is pretty damn preposterous and make the cast sound more than a little intellectually challenged) and had a couple of cheesy song and dance numbers? Well then, here you have Bach Ke Zara, an exact replica of Evil dead, Bollywood style. Made in 2008, this oddity looks like it could have been made in 1988. Scene by scene is replicated, only with far less graphic violence and talent, and tons of music I'm pretty sure was stolen from other movies. If you thought Bruce Cambell was overacting in the original, wait until you see this, the hysterical crying and whining of these Bollywood actors goes to a whole new level of absurd. It is on the other hand slightly more raunchy than I expected a Bollywood movie to be. No nudity or things like that, only a lot of grinding asses and bare flesh. Heck, there is even a little sideboob at one point!

No, this is far from a good movie. On the other hand, there is quite a lot of fun to be had watching how the Bollywood filmmakers steal scene after scene after scene of the original movie. It is entertaining to say the least and it is fricking hilarious to hear someone scream "Shut up, you rascal!" to a possessed person. Just watch the hilarious overacting in this dramatic scene where one of the cast just has chopped up his possessed girlfriend with an axe. Then decide if the rest of the movie is worth it.

tisdag 3 juni 2014

Shark: Rosso nell'oceano aka Devil Fish aka Monster shark aka Devouring Waves (1984)

It has a shark with tentacles. Win.

But it only has about 30 seconds of sharktentacle footage. The rest is just mindlessly boring thrillerstuff.

It has a shark with tentacles.

But the score is the worst kind of 80s cheesepop, giving you a headache just by thinking about it.

It has a shark with tentacles.

And everyone involved just seem so damn uninterested in what they are doing, including the actors and the director.

It has a shark with tentacles.

And it's put together so sloppily, the supposedly tense scenes are edited to hell.

It has a shark with tentacles.

So has Sharktopus. What's your point?

It has a... Uh. Well. Nothing. And the worst thing? It's probably the fifth time I see it. Some people just want to sit and listen to their brain rotting away. I want a blu ray.

torsdag 29 maj 2014

Blood predator (2007)

A group of people on their way to a ski-resort are involved in a planecrash and end up stranded in a cabin, besieged by alien creatures hungry for human flesh. And that is about as positive as I can be about this snoozefest of a movie.

First of all Mr Filmmaker, if you are making a creaturefeature, please have some creatures in it. Oh, we do get creatures but it takes exactly one hour and seven minutes of wading through a lot of pointless bickering of some of the most cliched and annoying characters ever put on celluloid. It's not even like you are hoping them to die horrible deaths, you are actually finding yourself devising scenarios where someone travels back in time and murder their ancestors so that they never existed in the first place. And when we do get creatures we are treated to "special" effects that make Bert I Gordons Empire of the ants look like an showcase for new technology. A mixture of wobbly puppets (that look sorts ok when they don't move) superimposed on the screen and really crappy cgi that looks like they didn't even bother to finish it properly.

No, this is not worthy of anyone's attention. The actors aren't totally worthless but the dialogue they are forced to spout is just fucking awful. There is a bit of gratitous nudity (including an odd scene where a lesbian character seduces a woman whose husband just got killed) and some minor gore but its far from enough. Skip it.

onsdag 28 maj 2014

Alien Terminator aka Alien Species(1995)

This low budget Alien ripoff is just so mindbogglingly awful that words cannot describe it accurately. Here are a few nuggets of joy:

They copy the chestbursting scene from Alien, complete with during dinner and convulsions, only with the minor difference that the alien comes out of the guys back. This way they won't have to spend any money on the effect, just show a big bloody hole afterwards.

Towards the end, when the whole desert underground base blows up, the movie cuts to a scene of an explosion in a city apartment where a man in a monstersuit goes flying out the window. Wtf?

There is a really charming scene of a couple having some wine in an air duct, only for the girl to take her top off so that the guy can go straight to sucking on her silicone boobs. Eh.

This is a shitfest. I like Alien ripoffs and have seen quite a few clunkers in my days but I'd rather watch Savage water again than this. It is THAT bad.

torsdag 15 maj 2014

Godzilla (2014)

So, here it is. The new Godzilla. I've been a fan for at least thirty years now and after watching the trailers you could easily say that my expectations were beyond sky high. I am happy to say that I was not disappointed one bit. I won't discuss the plot here, you know parts of it already, just mention the good and some of the perhaps not so good parts.

The good parts:

Well, most of it. Gareth Edwards Godzilla is a visual feast with superb special effects and tons of cool mass destruction. The plot is nothing new but Toho has been rewriting the origin-story several times and as such it's pretty good. Most importantly, this is a smorgasbord for monsterlovers. The Mutos are fricking awesome although they do look like they should belong in a Gameramovie (Gyaos anyone?). From looking at the leaked actionfigurepics they looked kind of silly but I can assure you, they are worthy Kaiju. As for the new look of Godzilla: Yes, he looks different. More thicker, denser, bearlike almost. But this is about the eight new look he has gotten so who cares. Get over it.

The not so good parts:

The characters are flatter than the people Muto steps on. Heck, even Pacific rim had more depth in that area which says a LOT. On the other hand, most of them are fairly likable, unlike Pacific Rim which had a bunch of angsty teens that you wanted dead.

And this is about as SPOILERY as I am going to get: It could have used more Godzilla.

The 3D is pretty useless, you need not bother with it.

So, the short version: an excellent monstermovie and a worthy American version. More than worthy.

onsdag 14 maj 2014

Prometheus (2012)

I was halfway through rewatching Prometheus when I got the news of H.R Gigers death. Although Giger did not work on this movie the whole look of it is taken straight out of his masterful designs on Alien which means that this review will be my tribute to the most exceptional artist the world has ever known. RIP.

Ok, there are a couple of major issues with Prometheus, coming from one single source: the script.

Firstly we have the Alien connection. By rewriting the alien history a lot of fans were pretty damn pissed off, and fair enough, I understand them. A little. We wanted xenomorphs, not squids. But as far as the plot goes it isn't that bad, only different from what we wanted. A little blunt maybe but still worthwhile. And the squid is actually quite a cool creature. I mean, anything with tentacles is cool. Even Monster shark.

Then there are the characters. Looking back at Alien with its colorful crew we have to settle with a bunch of bickering, faceless buffons. Yes, they bickered in Alien but that felt like it was actual people arguing, not actors speaking from a script.

And now we come to my only genuine hatred towards Prometheus. The space jockey. One of the absolutely coolest things about Alien is that so very different remnant of a creature, one of the very very few instances in cinema history where we were able to lay our eyes upon a truly alien being, something so mindbogglingly different from all the bugeyed aliens before and after. I was well and truly pissed off over the fact that this was just an exoskeleton, a fucking spacesuit. Years of picturing from what alien hell this was spawned from was just blown out of my mind with a single scene. I hate the filmmakers for that, I really do.

So why am I still rating this movie as high as I do? Because no matter what flaws the script have, it still is one hell of a gorgeous looking scifimovie that has all that sure craftsmanship that we are used to from Ridley Scott. And as soon as I remember that this isn't really a prequel to Alien, then I'm actually pretty damn content. Just the scene of the Prometheus entering the atmosphere and landing on the surface of the planet makes the blu-ray worth its price..

Oh, I forgot about the donutscene. Why the hell would you try to flee a tumbling spaceship by running in it's PATH? Gah.

And they really should have used the alternative scene of the mutated geologist attacking the Prometheus. It looks so much more alien instead of a guy covered in latex.